We did it! We f'n did it guys!!
Some days, you know, I wake up and I think to myself, "Holy fuck-a-rotten-Jack-o-Lantern, the world has finally lost it." Like the day I saw the first advertisement for the Glee
3-D movie a few weeks ago.
Wait a minute, you're telling me the shittiest show on TV -- where a bunch of 20-something singers are cast as a misfit glee club comprised of every race, ethnicity and disability (whose goal, presumably, is to singlehandedly ruin Jane Lynch's career) attempt to navigate a maze of cheesy caricatures of social issues -- is now coming out with a fucking 3-D movie
? You mean I can pay $13 to watch the Eskimo in the wheelchair deal with his girlfriend's abortion while he butchers Bob Segar songs like he's right in my fucking face
? SIGN ME UP.
Some days, these things depress me. It's the perfect storm of horrible, awful shit that I never wanted to be subjected to, like 1,000 porta-johns whipped up in a tornado headed right for my apartment. Glee
. Ruining good songs. Cheesy attempts at social commentary. 3-D. Movie. It's a shitstorm, a shit-hurricane and shit-hail and it was right on all of our doorsteps.
But then a funny little thing happened this weekend: No one saw it. Everybody considered for a few moments this abortion of common sense, displayed on the same silver screens where John Wayne and Charlie Chaplin once made their living, and we all sort of decided, "$13? Fuck you, Glee
When the dust settled, Glee had bombed so horribly
at the box office this week, that they came in 11th place. Eleventh!! Hahahahahahahaha!!! The most well-deserved box office showing since Green Lantern
couldn't even come within three spots of the Harry Potter
movie, which has already been out for a month!
God bless us. All of us. I'm so proud of society today. I want to run around and kiss all of you. You made it happen today. You, you, and you (er, well, not the 500,000 of you horrible monsters that actually went and saw this movie). Take a bow. You've restored my faith in this country until the next horrible thing happens. So, thanks, for now.
Every now and again, something is so horrible it's awesome. But more importantly, most of the time, something is so horrible that it's horrible
. The actual title of the movie, I just learned, was Glee: The 3-D Concert Movie
. I hate four of those five words (and I'm teetering on 'the'). It's just nice, and comforting, when we can all get together as a society and say, "Oh, that? Yeah, I fucking hate that." Abortion? Gay rights? Education? Health care? We'll never agree. But no matter your politics, your race, your religion, this weekend we all came together and agreed on something: Glee
can eat shit. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. is somewhere smiling right now.
It's funny, because the number one movie right now is still the Planet of the Apes
movie where monkeys take over society. Some days, I feel like monkeys already have, because, Christ, Glee: The 3-D Concert Movie
. But you know what? Then something magical happens, and no one sees it. And I breathe a sigh of relief: Stupid monkeys haven't taken over. It turns out, the monkeys that rule society are a lot smarter than I thought. Good work, guys.